Why?

Why do I always fall for the wrong boys? Why can’t I just fall for someone who might fall for me too? I’m always taking the ones who are out of my league. I just ¬†wish, I wish so bad any boy liked me. It feels like I am unlikable. I might sound desperate, but I just want to be loved. I want to know what it feels like to have a boy like you. Or even have a boy love you. I just want to feel what it is like to be in a relationship with a boy. I just want to be loved, you know?

My mentor is the sweetest!

I sent an email to my mentor an hour ago, in which I told her that I am so upset and so sad about how everything’s going and that I just don’t know what to do anymore. She replied that she would pray for me and that’s just the sweetest thing ever you know. ‘Cause I know how much God means to her and she is just taking time to pray for me. That’s so beautiful.

People don’t understand

It is so easy for others to stay that I just should stop thinking about those negative things and start believing in myself. Like if it’s that easy. Don’t you think I would have done that already if it was that easy for me to just STOP being so negative and sad all the time? Of course I would, it’s just not that fucking easy. I know that my friends only try to help me, but you don’t help me by saying those things. It only makes the pressure to succeed bigger and it only makes me more sad. ‘Cause I can’t handle it. One day I am super happy and confident and the other day I am just so depressed. I know that I should stop being negative, I know I should be more positive, I know I have to believe in myself. It’s just not that easy, when you’re really really insecure and always scared of failing. Try to understand that, please.

I can’t do it. I just can’t fucking do it. I don’t believe in myself even though I really want to. I just can’t keep up with those feelings, thoughts and all this pressure. I am so scared about this schoolyear. School shouldn’t scare me, so why does it?

I’m okay. Even though I might not feel okay right now, I will be okay eventually. Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts!

No negative thoughts allowed!

I shouldn’t be sad right now, not think negative thoughts, but I really can’t help it. Both tests I had till now, didn’t go that well and I studied so much! Tomorrow I’ll have my physics test and I don’t know whether it is going to go well or not. I just want to get good grades, but I feel like I am not smart enough. I’m having a break right now and I’m going to continue studying in a few minutes. The sad part is that I should have studied science too today, but I don’t have any time left to study for my science test. Tomorrow I’ll have even less time to study science and one day won’t be enough. Also, I’ll have an arthistory test on friday apart from my science tests. I just totally lost my review over everything. What I am gonna do now is just focus on studying physics and I’ve done a lot already, so if my test doesn’t go well tomorrow (even though I hope it will) I did what I could and I guess that’s is enough. I think I’ll study an half hour for my science test and an hour tomorrow morning, ’cause I REALLY NEED a good grade. God, please help me. My Lord, I don’t know what to anymore. I just want to have faith in myself. I can’t stuck with those thoughts anymore.