I know I shouldn’t be jealous

A few years ago I used to be really really jealous. I wasn’t good at sharing friends, ’cause it made me feel like I became a second choice. And for a long time now, I  learned how to handle my jealousy. Most of the time when I get jealous I try not to affect other people. People do rude things when they’re jealous. I used to get really mad and start arguing. Now and then I still feel the need to do that, but I know it is not the right way to express my jealousy. Most of the time now, I just try to keep it for myself and try to reassure myself and sometimes like now, I write about it. I need to get rid of this feeling somehow. I am just scared that I’ll be less important and I really don’t want to be a second choice. That’s all.

I hate THIS

I really love my family. I love my mom, my dad and all my siblings. Sometimes it’s just  a little too much. Why is it that my mom and dad only see the negative things? Why is it always me who is been yelled at? Why? Do I not deserve to feel okay? Am I that terrible? I know I am not a bad daughter, so WHY are my parents almost always making me feel  like I am. My dad just yelled at me for me being too rude and he claims that whenever he comes home I’m immediately  escaping to my room, which is not true. He always comes home around 6-7 o’clock when we just had dinner and after dinner I always do my homework. That makes sense right? My sister does exactly the same. She sometimes is not even downstairs when my dad comes home and I usually am. Yet, I am the bad daughter and the one who always messes things up. My dad brings it out in such a way like I do not love my family, but I do! I really do. He just makes me hate being at home, he even makes me hate being alive sometimes. It’s not fair. I do not deserve a life like this. Sometimes I just wished I didn’t exist. That’s not fully true though, ’cause I love life and I want to live it my way, but I don’t get the chance to. It is not fair. I am not sure whether I am living this life for myself or for another. I don’t know anymore. I am really trying to be positive. I know I can be proud of myself and I know I am not such a bad daughter as he makes me feel like.. It’s just so much easier to believe the voice inside my head then trying to change it, you know? I feel like such a failure.

Life’s not that bad

We all feel sad sometimes and we all experience something what makes us feel upset sometimes. That’s okay, ’cause that’s life. Life is so unpredictable and you know what? That’s okay. In the end it will be good anyway. It’s okay to not be okay now and then as long as you don’t forget to enjoy life. Life is never going to be easy you know. It is just so important to look positive at your life. No one can be happy all the time. No one. So don’t feel bad if you’re feeling sad or you feel like you are complaining to much. You are a fucking human being and it is okay to complain about things, it is okay to get sad, it is okay to mess up sometimes, you’re not perfect and you don’t live to be. I don’t think anyone is perfect, but I do think people can be perfect for each other. My mother may not be perfect, but I wouldn’t want her in any other way. She is perfect for me just the way she is, even though she gets mad easily and she is not good with showing her love. That’s all okay. I know she loves me, I know she wants the best for me. The point I am trying to make is, especially for myself too, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling sad. It’s not something to feel guilty about. You can’t control your feelings. I felt so bad for having made so many sad posts over here and I felt so ashamed. Now that I think about it, I don’t really feel like that anymore. It is okay for me to post sad things. On the contrary, it is not okay to get stuck in those feelings. You deserve to be happy too. So, when you feel sad, don’t blame yourself and above all don’t keep it all inside. Talk about it. Write about it. Cry it out. You need to get rid of those feelings someway, but don’t keep them for yourself. That will only make you feel more sad. When I feel sad, it most of the time feels like there is nothing good about the world and it just feels like nothing is going to be alright. It is just not like that. Things are going to be alright. That you are feeling sad right now, doesn’t mean you are going to feel sad forever. Nothing lasts forever, so neither does sadness.

Those things only happen in my dreams

I wish I could stop thinking of him, stop liking him. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t understand how it is possible to like someone so much so quickly. Yet I know, there are so many things about him to like. The thing is, I’d never be good enough for him. Even if he would like me too, it could never lead anywhere. I am not allowed to have boyfriends. This feeling… feeling so attracted to him feels good, but when I start thinking of him and me together I get sad. ‘Cause we would never be a thing, never ever. It would never be a thing with anyone. That just upsets now and then. I look forward to sleeping everyday, in my dreams I can be anything I want to, be with anyone I want to.