I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

negative thoughts

I have these incredibly negative thoughts, almost every day. I just never let them ruin my day or keep me from being happy. But you know what? Sometimes I’d like to just get something off my chest. Unfortunately none of my friends seem to care. Everytime I say how shit I feel, they just ignore it.

Everytime I say I hate him

Whenever I see him or something reminds me of him, I tell my best friends how I hate him. What I actually mean is that I like him and I can’t stop liking him. I just wish I could. I don’t hate him (I don’t hate anyone actually), I just hate the fact that I like him. I don’t know how to stop this. :(

I feel awkward and left out

Sometimes I just wish I could be more like the other teenagers from my age. It’s not like I am that different from them, but there are some things I wish I was allowed to do. My parents are strict, it’s not like they do not allow me to do anything, they do but they also forbid me a lot of things. I wish I wouldn’t had to think by every decision I make whether my parents will allow me to do it or not or whether they will agree on it or not. I just want to feel free now and then. I just want to feel like I am living my own life. In then end I do. I do live a life that belongs to me, but I feel like half of them is ruled by my parents and my religion. I love my religion though. I really do, it gives structure in my life. Sometimes it’s just a little bit hard, ’cause all my friends are so different from me when it comes to believing and religion. They go out and drink, it’s not like I want to do those things. I wouldn’t feel comfortable, but I just feel left out. When people talk about some party they’ve been in the weekend or some disco/night club they went to which was ‘epic’. I start to feel awkward and left out, I feel like I don’t fit in. I wish I could join their conversation and talk about it too, but I can’t. I don’t know what it is like. I don’t want it is like to be a wild teenager in the weekend. Sometimes I wish I did and I could go out in weekend too, but then I feel guilty. I am a muslim and I shouldn’t do or want to do those things. And that’s just hard sometimes. It upsets me.

I feel like such a fool

He is never gonna like me. It feels so useless to me to like him and I really would want to stop crushing on him if I knew how. I feel like making such a fool of myself by liking someone who’s out of my league. Why can’t we all just be equal? We are though, but some think they are worth more. Why? Because you’re more popular? That doesn’t even makes sense. I hate this inequality on earth.