I am not feeling good at all. I hope making the cupcakes will cheer me up, ’cause I don’t wanna feel like this whole the time. Why is the world always against me? Or is it just me feeling like everyone and everything is against me. If it is just me then please help me get rid of this feeling.
I don’t understand what I am doing. I really want to say so many things, but just can’t. I am scared the person who it is gonna be about will find out it is about her. It is not even something really important. It is just that these days I am really confused, about almost everything. I am not sure what I can do and what I can’t and I just want to accomplish so many and keep as many as people I love around me, but it feels like none of it works.
Give me therapy
I’m a walking travesty
But I’m smiling at everything.
You were never a friend to me
And you can keep all your misery.
So, in 5 weeks I’ll be going on a trip to England with school which I really look forward to. I’ve been waiting for this two years now. The thing is that I have to save my own money for England, ’cause my parents aren’t able to that financially so that’s why I have to pay it. I had around 260 euro’s saved, that means I only have 100 euro left. Today I came home from work and my daddy was like ‘hey I tried to call you but you didn’t answer. Today at work I needed money so that’s why I took 200 euro’s from your …. I’ll put it back on your next week’ and I was like. is. this. a. fucking. joke. I am fucking trying to save some money, ’cause you can’t pay for it.
My dad’s work is not going very well and now that he’s found another kind of work, I wouldn’t call it a job, beside his normal work. He is busy with it constantly, but this new job thing isn’t working at all, it is only taking more and more money. I don’t understand why my father doesn’t get that he is doing totally wrong. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take that for a year now we constantly have struggles with money. I don’t even remember how it was before? This sucks so bad. Mostly it hurts me to see how sad all of this is making my mom, she didn’t deserve this and why can’t my dad just find normal work.
So, we just stopped?
I kinda started to like it
and we stopped
with no reason
we just stopped
tell me why
why did it
why did we
I don’t think there would be a conversation if I wasn’t the one starting it. If someone says they care or love you, then I guess you also should prove it. I am really so sick of being lied to. If you don’t lie then don’t make it look like you do. It is not funny at all.
You know what I am gonna do. I am gonna take a good shower and then sleep and just get some rest. Tomorrow is gonna be a good day, ’cause I don’t have much school. I just got the feeling that tomorrow’s gonna be perfectly okay. I hope my feeling is right, ’cause I really can’t get any more worries to worry about (that sounds really weird). I actually feel like getting cheered up right now?
You know that’s funny too. I am so good at making myself sad, but at the end I am also the one who’s kinda cheering myself up. Like at school people see me like the always laughing happy giggly girl, but I am not like that always. Surely, not. So, there’s this girl for example which I can always laugh with. Like we’re good, but we’re not really friends or something. Anyways, I always have fun with her. And sometimes I wonder if she would know that I can be really sad and depressive and just not so happy would she still think the same about me? I am almost always really cheerful at school and it is not even fake. I am just a really happy person, I just sometimes got sad thoughts and I wrote those on here so that I can get rid of them and make place for happy thoughts.
What I’m wondering about is if people would read any of my sad posts would they even think this blog might be mine? I guess I wouldn’t even cross their mind. I am not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad, it sounds good? So, is it a good thing?