I am trying, but life is hard.

These passed days, maybe even weeks were so hard. I am a really optimistic person. I love to laugh. I love to be happy. I love my friends and family and most of the time I love life. It’s just these passed few days, weeks or even months were so hard. One day I just feel really happy and motivated and the other day I am totally empty. Sometimes I feel really alone and I don’t where that loneliness comes from, ’cause I know I am not alone. I know there are so many people out there wanting to help me. I just wish.. I wasn’t such a failure. ‘Cause that’s how I feel right now. I feel like such a failure. I can’t be proud of myself, ’cause I fail so too many times. Even if I did something good for once, I can’t be proud of myself. I just wish there was something I was good at. I wish I got a passion. I don’t have a talent, I got nothing. I try my hardest for everything, but I end up having nothing. I am not good in school. I am not good at being a daughter, neither a sister. Life is so hard and I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be this. I am not this. Whenever I make these sad posts I feel so untruthful towards myself. Anyone who reads this must think I am the most depressed person ever, but I am not. I am totally not. I am the opposite of depressed. I love being happy and I try to be as happy as I can. I don’t force it, I just am. I can sleep for just two hours and still be happy. That is just how I am. One day life is going to stop, so to me every moment not being happy is a moment wasted. But I can’t be happy all the time. Sometimes I lose it all too. I just lose all the faith I have and I feel empty. I just hate feeling that way. It’s just feels so useless. It doesn’t get me any further, therefore I don’t want to be sad or upset. Whenever I think of my future, I feel so incredibly sad. I don’t feel like I have one. I am just a failure. I am not good at anything. I am scared of the future. I am scared the future might even be harder. I don’t hate school, ’cause it’s the place where I see all of my friends and they make me happy. Also I don’t hate my teachers, neither do I hate the lessons at school. I just hate the fact that I can’t do anything good at school. I am not good at any kind of lesson, not good at physics, not good at science, not good at maths, not good at biology. That makes me sad. I just wish there was something that made me, me. I wish I had some kind of talent that I could take with me everywhere I go, but I don’t. I am talentless. I got nothing.

Marianas trench – Good to you

This song pretty much sums up how I feel at this moment. Life just sucks, but at least songs like this one exist which make me feel a bit better.

Everyone’s around, no words are coming now.
And I can’t find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound.
And I know this isn’t enough, I still don’t measure up.
And I’m not prepared, sorry is never there when you need it.

And now I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone.
And now I do want you to know I think you’d be good to me
And I’d be so good to you.

I would.

I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the lines.
Maybe it’s me, maybe I only see what I want.
And I still have your letter just got caught between
Someone I just invented, who I really am and who I’ve become.

And now I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone.
And now I do want you to know I think you’d be good to me
And I’d be so good to you.

Whoa
You bring me higher.
Yeah.
I would.

And now I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone.
And now I do want you to know I think you’d be good to me
And I’d be so good to you.

I’d be good to you [3x]
I’d be so good to you
I’d be good to you [3x]
I’d be so good to you

I am so upset :(

I am crying right now. You know, I’ve never really had problems with being not able to have a boyfriend. Of course I wanted a boy to like me and be a couple, but no one ever liked me. I’ve always thought no one WOULD ever like me. Now there is this guy and he might like me, I am not sure. He even asked me to watch a film together, even though it’s not the kind of film I watch usually it just sounds good. The problem is, I can’t say yes. ‘Cause I am not allowed. It is not fair. I am not prepared for this. I hate myself for wishing a boy to like me or show interest in me, ’cause this feels even more worse. This feeling is killing me. Liking someone and having a chance with that person, but not being allowed to hang out. I hate my life. If I tell him, he would probably think I am weird. I don’t know what I should do right now. I am so upset. I don’t want this.